Feeling stuck? Sending tough love + tips

Several years ago, when I was in the messy middle of some unexpected job changes and calling off a wedding, I was waffling on the right next steps forward. In my waffling, I spend a lot of my time complaining about my current situation, wishing that it was different. Then, I heard someone say this phrase, “What you are not changing, you are CHOOSING.”  This instantly prompted me to change my mindset from passive complaining to personal responsibility.

This advice not only hit me like a ton of bricks, but it made me think twice before I complained again about my situation. I often heard a little voice say, “Be careful, you are choosing this…is this what you want to continue to do?”  Suddenly, I became more conscious and intentional about the actions I was taking, or not taking to change my situation. 

More recently, I passed this advice along to a client who has been feeling frustrated for quite some time about her current role as an executive, but she hadn't taken action to change her situation. She said this to me, “I just need some light at the end of the tunnel.” 

Here's where I compassionately but directly reminded her of the same advice that meant so much to me, “What you are not changing, you are choosing….and YOU need to be the light at the end of your own tunnel.” 

This might sound like tough love, but it's also a reminder that we must take ownership of changing our circumstances if we feel stuck. Here's how I see this play out with my clients: 

• They tolerate poor employee performance yet they choose not to address it.

• They are unhappy that other colleagues get projects or promotions at work yet they choose not to advocate for themselves. 

• They set goals on their vision board, but they choose not to make progress when they allow themselves to get distracted by more “comfortable” things.

What are you tolerating right now that you’re spending more time worrying or complaining about than actively changing?

I get this is hard. Our egos hate ambiguity. It's often said that we prefer the hell we know over the hell we don't know. It's tempting to envy others on social media who often makes it appear that they achieved big goals overnight with no sweat. We see the outcome of the transformation but not the messiness and uncertainty they had to endure to make these changes. We don’t see the small steps or changes people make behind the scenes to create transformation. 

🔥 To make the biggest changes in your life, it begins with owning where you are and what kept you stuck. Then it takes committing to small, sometimes unimpressive, next steps. Instead of waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, we have to create the light we want to see. (See a tool for this below!)

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PUT THIS TIP INTO ACTION

Where are you feeling stuck right now? Maybe it's in a role, in an organization or even with some team members you know that you need to coach up or coach out. As I mentioned above, our egos hate change, which is why we almost need to sneak up on it and make the changes we want one small, brave step at a time. WE need to create the light we want to see. 

Here's a tool I give my clients, and I've used personally MANY TIMES in my own life to reverse engineer the changes they want to see: 

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO BE BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR? ALSO, HOW DO YOU WANT TO FEEL?

WHO WILL HELP YOU? WHAT SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE NECESSARY?

NOW, BACK THIS UP. WHERE DO YOU NEED TO BE IN:

9 MONTHS

6 MONTHS

3 MONTHS

1 MONTH

1 WEEK

1 DAY

TRY THIS NEXT: What is your smallest, bravest next step and who are you engaging with on it? (Hint: Learning more isn't a next step, it's just procrasti-learning ;) )

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Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping high achievers advance to influential leaders in their organizations. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

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