Seeking opinions is ruining your confidence

“I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you first, I had to come to this decision on my own for once.”

That's the voice memo I got from a Chief Marketing Officer. She had just resigned from her role in a franchising organization.  

She went on to tell me that for so many decisions in her career, she would reach out and poll others for their opinions. But in her leadership growth journey, she had to learn to trust herself. 

She admitted, “I knew deep down that it was time for me to move on.” Instead of seeking validation or input like she typically would, she trusted herself and her decisions. She gave her boss notice and confidently stood her ground when they pressed her to stay. And in this practice of trusting herself, her next career door opened within hours. 

When someone asks me what my highest goal is for coaching clients, building more clarity and confidence is definitely a key outcome. However, the bigger goal is to teach my clients to trust themselves…exactly like this leader did.

Because as I talked about in my TEDx talk, it's hard to fulfill your leadership potential when you are outsourcing your intelligence. When you consistently poll others for advice and trust that advice over your own intuition, you are essentially putting them on a pedestal, thinking they know better than you. 

When we settle for living by other people's values and advice, not standing for the talents and points of view that only we can bring to the world, we underestimate ourselves and put others on a pedestal. We disconnect from the inner intelligence that can create a more inspiring, fulfilling future for ourselves and others. 

 🔥 To this, I have no advice for you! Instead, I encourage you to ask three questions (scroll down for these) so you can learn to reconnect with your own ways of knowing your right answers and next steps. 

PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION

So how do we stop underestimating ourselves and pull the pedestal to be a more confident and impactful leader? Most people might think that to pull the pedestal you should just “have more confidence” or "fake it until you make it" but that never worked for me or anyone I know. 

Thousands of leadership conversations have shown that confident, fulfilled leaders reconnect to themselves, equalize their connections with others, and connect with the future they desire to create. 

Here are the three questions I encourage all my clients to ask themselves when they are making a decision, bringing and idea to the table or considering a future career move:

1: First, to reconnect with yourself, ask: 

Does this advice, person or situation align with my values and what I stand for? 

Because if you don't know what you stand for, what will you settle for?

2: Second, to re-establish equal connection with others, ask: 

What experiences, talents or points of view can only I bring to the world, my work or this meeting? 

Owning our talents helps us see the talents in others without compare and despair, bringing us together at the table as equals.

3: Finally, to connect with your future potential, ask: 

WHAT am I meant to create? When I'm 80 years old and in my dream retirement, what legacy have I left behind that I am known for? 

Because somebody is waiting for you to take action on your unique calling.

Do This Next: What decision or action are you second guessing? What is the right next step in alignment with your values, talents and moves you closer to the future you want to create?

Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping high achievers advance to influential leaders in their organizations. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

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