Okay be honest, how comfortable are you with silence? That uncomfortable, awkward silence that just hangs in the room (live or virtual) after a question is asked.
If you're like most people, you probably thought to yourself, “terrible.” It's not that uncommon. Participants in one study said that they felt more anxious, rejected, and less self-assured after some amount of prolonged silence in a difficult discussion. Many of us grow uncomfortable with that silence and will jump in to fill it by reframing the question, giving an answer, backtracking the question, or just general chatter.
If you are like one of my clients, who is a self-described extrovert, she shared this aha moment she was having in real time.
She asked herself: Am I talking? Or am I contributing?
As someone who has lead training and training teams for most of my career, a core technique they taught us was to count to 7 before interrupting the silence in a room. Why?
People, especially introverts, need time to process
The audience needs time to evaluate your question and go inward for an answer
If you wait, someone WILL speak up (when I taught management courses at the University, I would joke with my students that I was professionally trained to out-wait their silence, so it was best to speak up eventually)
Without a purposeful pause, you dominate the discussion and shut down learning and listening
So, jumping in to fill silence may provide short term relief, but does it make a long-term contribution to the discussion?
It's easy to talk to fill the void because, according to Adam Grant, the person who talks the most is the most likely to become the leader. Regardless of intelligence and expertise, groups elevate those who command the most airtime. He argues that it's time to stop rewarding people for dominating the discussion, and start valuing quality over quantity. Susan David, author of Quiet, reminds us that the workplace is built for extroverts.
This self-reflection can be helpful to both introverts and extroverts.
Extroverts, are you talking or contributing? Introverts, relax, you don't need to talk all of the time, but how are you contributing? Remember, at the end of the day, making a lasting impact comes through clarity, not hustling for air time.
PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION
Make a lasting impact by contributing clearly and thoughtfully, not hustling for airtime. Here are three questions you can ask to help you transform the need to talk into contributing more thoughtfully so you can make the impact you want to make:
1: Is this my area of expertise, unique skill or point of view?
If yes, what is mine to share?
If no, who else can I call in or allow to contribute?
2: Has my voice been the dominant one during this meeting?
If yes, who else should we be hearing from?
If no, what contribution is mine to make?
3: Have I allowed for purposeful silence to allow others to process thoughtfully and contribute?
If yes, where else can I use purposeful silence to listen more?
If no, how can I slow down to accommodate this so more voices can be heard?
TRY THIS NEXT: How can you use these three questions to help you prepare for thoughtful contributions and make a clear impact in your next meeting?
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