What are you willing to be criticized for?

"Honestly, in my heart of hearts, I'm afraid that they'll reject me for my ideas."

That was my client Denise on one of our recent coaching calls, explaining to me  why she no longer posts online about leadership ideas. About five years ago she started a blog, because writing it out gave her a way to speak about the concepts she was passionate about, however, somewhere along the way she held herself back and stopped posting. 

When I asked her what she was afraid might happen, her answer above about rejection followed. Because she took a stance on topics in leadership like empathy and diversity, which have fallen out of favor in the last two years due to the political climate, she feared that people would reject her for what she believes.

I hear a version of this from so many of my clients. They have a point of view they believe in, and they water it down, delay it, or bury it, all to avoid the discomfort of someone disagreeing. I deeply struggle with this, too. Sharing your ideas publicly online can invite all sorts of comments or DMs from people who have no problem telling you (crudely) how wrong you are. It also makes me create imaginary stories about what people might be thinking if I branch off and write about an entirely new topic. 

I have also seen “avoiding criticism” show up recently as:

• “I want to tell my leader that I'm ready for a new type of role at work, but I'm scared they'll tell me I'm way off base and unqualified.”

• “I want to share a way to improve this process, but I know that it may upset the team who started it, and they'll have thoughts for me.”

• “I have to give some tough feedback at work and I'm tempted to soften the blow so that I'm not criticized about how direct I need to be.”

I usually challenge my clients with a couple of ideas: 

First, do you want to be liked, or do you want to be respected? My client, Denise, said she wanted to be respected, of course, but being liked is important to her, too. The key here is that there's no right or wrong answer. It's just knowing what's driving your behaviors can be enough to stop and interrogate them for accuracy.

Second, I point out the negativity bias we carry as humans. Why do we assume that communicating our real thoughts, feelings and ideas will create a negative reaction? Could it be just as true that remaining silent creates negativity? What if your idea or suggestion is exactly what someone is waiting on to spark creativity or achieve an elusive result? 

At the end of the day, we can't solve for how others will think of us (they are usually too busy thinking about themselves) so instead, we need to ask a better question: 

🔥 What do you believe in so strongly that you're willing to endure the criticism? (Keep reading for more ideas)

PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION

I get it, the thought of being criticized feels like the most undesirable, uncomfortable thing you can imagine. However, never wanting to experience criticism keeps people from acting, leading and ultimately fulfilling their potential. 

So, how do you begin to figure out these actions and beliefs that you stand for? Here are some questions to ask yourself to determine those leadership qualities and initiatives that you are willing to endure criticism for:

1. Who do I admire as a leader?

• Name 3-5 adjectives about them. (i.e creative, honest, detailed, etc)

• Why do you admire them?

• What we admire in others gives us clues to what we value in ourselves and what we stand for as a leader.

• Name and claim these qualities you stand for.

2. What are my non-negotiables? (For example, when I lead training teams, my non-negotiable is arriving 30 minutes before start. In relationships it's no name calling.)

• List 3-5 actions or policies you are unwilling to negotiate

• How am I communicating my non-negotiables?

• Why are these specific non-negotiables critical to success or happiness?

3. What's my mission as a leader?

• What have I been called to do?

• What change do I want to make possible on teams or in organizations?

• Who am I called to serve? To lead? To help?

Try this next: Make an enduring criticism statement. Try this mad lib:

In my pursuit of ____________ I am willing to be criticized for ….

Ex. In my pursuit of advancing women to the rooms where decisions are made, I am willing to be criticized for being too progressive or unreasonable in my corporate policy recommendations for women.

Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping women advance to the rooms where decisions are made (or build her own room). She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck

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