He asked for $1M. She asked for half.
One of my clients was annoyed because she found out a male colleague had requested double the budget AND headcount that she requested for 2027. “Get this, he put in for a $1,000,000 budget and 3 headcount. I put in for half a million and one person.”
Hearing this, she felt defeated because she had followed the rules. She got her budget and headcount request in early, and her leader didn’t push back at all! She went in with a very practical approach that aligned her data to her resource requests.
In her frustration, she noted what she perceived to be a lack of thoughtfulness on her colleague’s part. “I think he just chose a million, because why not?”
However, one thing I’ve noticed both personally and with my clients is that the places we feel envy can point us toward what we truly desire. When I asked her what this frustration could be teaching her, she admitted:
“We have to make asks, and I probably should have asked for more.”
We’d just talked about this at my retreat. A woman in the hot seat was sharing the audacity of one of her male coworkers in taking a recent action. As a group, we kept coming back to what an important teaching lesson that is. We can get annoyed by some of our male colleagues, like, who does he think he is asking for that stuff? But they’re just more willing to take up space.
I’ve been there! When I first started my business, I thought nobody would pay even $1,500 to work with me 1-1. Then I saw what men charged, and it nearly brought me to my knees! Men out there were charging $25,000 on up for a six-month coaching engagement. This type of difference happens in every profession, from medicine to business to even wellness service providers like massage therapists and hairstylists!
Research backs this up. A 2025 study (Astrid Ulv Thomsen, et al) of research grant applications found that women requested about 5.4% less funding than comparably qualified men submitting similarly rated proposals. That “ask gap” accounted for roughly three-quarters of the gap in the funding women actually received. I also wrote about this recently for Fast Company.
My client knew where her hesitation came from. “We were praised as girls in school not to take up space, to be quiet in class, not to ask too many questions, not to be disruptive. Here we are now in a workplace where disruption and being squeaky is rewarded.”
My client and my retreat participants agreed. They are playing too small and have full permission to demand the same level of resources that their counterparts are demanding.
The next time we get annoyed by a colleague showing up bigger, louder or taking up more space at work, let it be our nudge to play a little bigger.
🔥 Where has being practical or overly responsible been holding you back in your career or in asking for the resources you need?
PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION
Whether it's budget season or you're just ready to think bigger about your next ask for help, time or resources, here’s how to stop playing small with your ask:
1: Let your annoyance be your permission.
The next time you think, “Who does s/he think s/he is asking for that?” pause.
Ask yourself: How does this teach me where I could be playing too small?
Then notice the story you’re bringing. My client named hers: “I’m just bringing a story that I have to keep quiet and play by the rules.” Just noticing that story is enough to start.
2: Ask for the organization, not for you.
A woman at my retreat had a mindset shift when she needed budget and headcount: “I’m not asking for me. I’m asking for the organization.”
When we think about asking for ourselves, all those stories come in. When we think about what the organization needs, it helps depersonalize the ask.
Try saying it out loud: “The organization needs $500,000 and one headcount to achieve revenue goals and hit project timelines.”
As my client put it, “When you phrase it like that, it’s almost irresponsible not to ask for that money.”
3: Circle back. It's okay to go back and tweak your ask.
If final decisions haven't been made on your budget or your request for resources in any realm, it's okay to revisit the conversation.
If there is a compelling reason to ask for more, try a script like this:
“I was reviewing my numbers again (or discussing with colleagues, reviewing new data, etc) and this came up. I know I put in this, but now I’ve learned about that. Can I go in and tweak my budget and ask for XYZ, given that?”
TRY THIS NEXT: Look at your current budget or resource request. Ask yourself: If I were thinking about what the organization needs, what would I have asked for?
Bonus Question: If I left tomorrow, how many people would they need to replace me? If those answers are bigger than your ask, you have your permission to play a little bigger.
Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping women advance to the rooms where decisions are made (or build her own room). She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck
Learn more about: Executive Coaching | Speaking & Training | Group Programs
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