Confidence vs Cockiness: How to know the difference

One of my first jobs in the corporate world was to make 50-80 phone calls per day to sell the ability to take credit cards to businesses. The job itself was tough, but I was pretty good at it so I was lucky enough to get to mentor the new hires as they came to the sales floor. I loved this part of the job, so I applied for a sales trainer role that was open. 

I thought for sure I was a shoe-in given my sales numbers. I was stunned to learn that they had offered the role to someone else.  I will never forget the day I asked for a meeting with the hiring manager to learn why she wouldn’t hire me for a job to which I “believed” I was overqualified and the obvious choice.

Gracious, yet firm, she let me know the criteria she was looking for in a trainer - someone who was approachable, helpful and kind. 

Then, she asked me a simple question that left me transformed,

“Do you know the difference between confidence and cockiness?”

(It turns out, in fact, I was not as clear on the difference as I thought). 

 With a mix of reality and love, she had the courage to hold one of the most difficult, yet transformational conversations of my career. As we talked, I realized that my technical skills and sales success would not make up for the amount of interpersonal growth work I needed, how I came off to others, and how I made people feel. It was life-changing feedback. 

Turns out, I'm not the only person who's struggled with or wondered where the line is between confidence and cockiness. Many of my clients are conscious of making sure they are showing up confidently, not cocky, when they present ideas, interview for a new job, or hold an important meeting. 

In my experience, I've found there's single common feeling present that differentiates people who are confident vs people who are perceived as cocky. Curiosity.

Confidence without curiosity creates cockiness. 

Many people believe that cockiness comes from an abundance of confidence. I believe that cockiness leaks out when we are trying to prove ourselves due to feeling insecure. When we are in proving energy, it's hard to remain curious and open to others' perspectives around us.

 🔥  Cockiness often comes from a motive to be seen as right, impressive or the expert. A key way to infuse curiosity into your approach is to name three feelings you want other people to experience during your meeting or presentation.

PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION

To bring your most confident, not cocky, self to your next meeting, presentation or interview, consider planning your approach using my advocacy model. This model is infused with curiosity about yourself and others to guide feedback and coaching conversations, high-stakes presentations, and even job interviews. 

Focus on authenticity. You don't need to show up in a specific way to exude confidence. Instead, focus on what you know for sure. Ask yourself:

1. What are the facts of this situation?

2. What unique perspective, talent or skills can only I offer?

3. What information is needed from me here?

Focus on alignment. What values or energy do I want to be present in this conversation? Ask yourself:

1. What three words do I want people to use to describe my style?

2. What are three words that describe how I want to make others feel?

3. Ask: Is your energy focused on proving something? Or, is it assured you are already enough?

Focus on right action. Not everything is yours to speak up on. Based on your authenticity and acting in alignment to your values:

1. How are you speaking up on what is yours to say?

2. How are you holding back on what is NOT yours to say?

3. What questions are yours to ask?

Try This Next: Try this framework to outline or script your next meeting or idea presentation and let me know how it goes!

Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping high achievers advance to influential leaders in their organizations. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

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