How to tell your leader "no"

Have you ever heeded the career advice to “Just say yes to opportunities and figure them out later?” Or maybe you've been told that you should never tell your boss “no” to a project request. I know that early in my own career, I said yes to just about an opportunity that came my way. I didn't want to live with regret or experience FOMO. 

But at some point in my career, all of the yeses started to backfire. My daily meeting calendar demanded more project deliverables and check ins than I had hours. Some of the projects that I said yes to for “exposure” were now sources of dread and exhaustion. I felt like I was pushing a rock up hill many days at work. Something had to give and I had to be willing to disappoint someone to bring my life back into alignment with my rightful goals and values.

I began to realize that while yeses may have served me well early in my career as it helped me figure out what I liked and what I didn't like, as I rose through the ranks, I was going to have be more skillful about giving the right yeses and noes.

I also learned that saying no can build more confidence than saying yes. 

Hear me out. 

As I, and the clients I work with, rose throughout the ranks from high achiever to influential leader, we were continually presented with opportunities to do more. Many of my clients seek out coaching when they are completely overwhelmed from giving too many yeses. They feel overworked and under-recognized. Their confidence is shot because they are not doing work they love, they are doing work they simply said “yes” to.

As you advance, there will be no shortage of demands on your time, other people’s opinions or well meaning advice on what you should do. There will be opportunities and income that come with saying yes. It can be easy to go along with the demands and the opinions to keep the peace and other people happy. 

• But whose peace and happiness are you keeping? 

• And does that extra money, new title, or new responsibilities even feel good or is brewing up future resentment?

• Will your yes keep you stuck in doing mode, instead of freeing up your time to be a more strategic leader? 

To avoid the crash and burn and to lead more by doing less, start noticing what types of projects you’re saying yes to. 

• How strategic are they?

• Are they aligned with your talents and values?

 🔥 Saying no to the things that don’t align to your values and talents feels empowering. While it can feel difficult and nerve-wracking to tell someone no, every time my clients (me, too) say no because something doesn’t align, they report the same feelings:

Empowerment. Intentionality. Ownership. Confidence.

PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION

You have permission to stop being the hero, the person who rushes in and says yes to save the day. It’s a recipe for burnout and resentment…which kills your confidence. Consider this your permission slip to say no today. 

Remember, the best yeses will feel of peace, not dread.

Here’s a framework to help you gracefully say no to the wrong things so you can say yes to the right things.

1. Thank them for the ask 

• Thank you so much for thinking of me for this opportunity/ project/ event! 

• Thanks for checking with us!

2. Let them know what you value, what you’re currently committing to

• Right now, I am currently committed to….

• Right now, our team is focused on delivering…

• Right now, I'm looking for roles that….

3. Let them know what you can’t accommodate

• Unfortunately, I won't be able to give it the time it deserves…

• So, we aren't able to shift the team's attention away from our focus…

• So, I won't be interested/available….

4. Get collaborative: Offer other options or brainstorm other people who may value the opportunity. (Remember, for someone else, your no is their “heck yes!”)

• I'd be happy to chat quick about who else may help…

• I'd be happy to talk about a time in the future that may work…

• I'd be happy to refer you to someone else…

(Ex. Thank you so much for thinking of me! Unfortunately I have other commitments I need to honor, so I can't take this on right now. I'd be happy to talk about who else might be a good fit for you!) 

More simply, you don't always owe people and explanation. You can simply say: 

• Thanks for thinking of me, I can't make it.

• Thanks for thinking of us, our plate is full. 

• No, thank you!

• No.

Do This Next: Choose ONE thing this week that is causing you dread or resentment and decline it or say no! Watch your confidence tick up :) If you need more help with saying no so you can lead more strategically, check out my new course!

Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping high achievers advance to influential leaders in their organizations. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

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