How to manage the hard emotions in hard conversations

"I don't know if I came across super harsh or not…at some point, I lost sense of how I was."

That was my client after having a hard conversation with one of her leaders about getting the resources she needed in her role. (Newly promoted!). She had asked for help already, however the help they initially offered her would NOT solve her issues of being understaffed and underresourced.

Feeling frustrated that she wasn't being heard, and stressed this could cause her to fail in her new role, she finally had to very clearly and directly express exactly where she needed help.

While her leader was initially resistant in the conversation, he ended up agreeing to exactly what she asked for. But instead of celebrating, she went home worried and exhausted, telling her husband that she wasn't sure if she had been "too much."

She's not alone. So many of the high-achieving women I coach carry this pattern. They know they need to push back, ask for resources, or bring up something hard with a leader. And when they finally do, they walk away feeling worried and exhausted from experiencing intense emotions, even when the conversation gets them exactly what they needed.

When I asked her about it why feeling these hard emotions was such a “bad” thing, she said that she had spent her career being the one who lifts up the room. Positive, solutions-oriented, keeping things energized and light. This worked for her. Somewhere along the way, she learned that hard emotions like tension, conflict, or pushing back meant she was being too much. 

This belief caused her to hint at what she needed instead of making a clear ask, or kick the can down the road until the problem got so big she had no choice but to deal with it. By then, she was at the edge of burnout and the emotions were even bigger.

This is something I see over and over with women in leadership. As you advance, the conversations get harder. You have to:

• Advocate for your team even when others resist

• Negotiate for resources even when others may not agree

• Hold the line on a decision even when people criticize it

• Address behaviors directly even when it feels awkward

• Sit in silence while someone processes something hard

When I deliver coaching and feedback workshops to teams, I often remind them that the courageous leadership conversation is the easy part. The hard part is that nobody taught us what to do with the hard feelings that come during and after the conversations.

🔥 Where in your leadership are you avoiding a hard conversation because of how the emotions might feel? What would be different for you if you could sit with the tension long enough to ask for what you actually need? Keep reading for strategies to manage through this.

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PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION

The tricky thing about avoiding hard conversations is that the problem doesn't go away. It just gets bigger. And the longer you wait, the more emotional charge builds up, which makes the conversation even harder when you finally have it.

Want to start building your muscle for navigating the hard emotions that come with courageous leadership conversations? Here are some things to try:

1: Ask yourself what happens if you DON'T have this conversation. 

My client admitted that if she hadn't finally pushed back, she joked that she would have needed to take some extended sick leave to recover. Play this out for yourself. 

• If you keep hinting instead of asking clearly, if you keep avoiding instead of addressing, what are the consequences 30, 60, 90 days from now? 

• Sometimes the cost of avoiding the conversation is far greater than the discomfort of having it.

2: Know the difference between hinting and asking. 

There is a huge difference between saying, "I'm going to need some support" and saying, "Here's where I'm falling behind. Here's my data. I need support on these three things, and I'd like to talk about what that's going to look like in the next 30 to 60 days." 

When we just hint, people nod and agree, but nothing changes. Make a clear ask with specific data and a timeline.

3: Stay curious one question longer. 

When you feel resistance from someone, instead of pushing harder or shutting down, try asking one more question. Try these in the moment: 

• What do you think is really going on here? 

• What are you afraid might happen? 

• Where might my ask bring difficulty here? 

Staying curious helps you gather more information, and it keeps you from either over-talking to fill the discomfort or retreating too quickly.

4: Build rituals for discharging the emotional energy after hard conversations. 

You are going to feel charged up after these moments. That's normal. Have a plan for what you'll do with that energy. Take a walk around the block. Step away from your computer and breathe. Don't stack hard conversations back to back. 

• The goal is to acknowledge that the tension lives in your body and give yourself a way to release it so you can move forward.

• I often ask myself, is this energy mine? (Many times it's not, I've just absorbed the energy from the conversation)

TRY THIS NEXT: Think about one hard conversation you've been avoiding or hinting around. Write down the clear ask you actually need to make, including the specific support, the data behind it, and the timeline. Then ask yourself: what's going to happen to me and my team if I don't have this conversation in the next two weeks?

Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping high achievers advance to influential leaders in their organizations. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

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