How to set boundaries (& feel less anxious)

When I opened the zoom for one of my client calls, I could tell immediately by my client's face that our previously planned discussion topic probably wasn't going to stick for today's call. When I asked her how things had been since we chatted last, she burst into tears. “I just have so much anxiety and it won't go way. I haven't felt this type of anxiety since I was in school.” 

She told me that she is normally excellent at taking in the challenges and powering through, but recently they had a system implementation go south, some team changes, and an increase in workload (due to a promotion!) that left her working more than she wanted. Even though her team had recently grown in size, she felt like she had no one to lean on or pass work off to. 

It was clear, my client was overwhelmed. She'd been at her organization for years and was a subject matter expert in about everything. So, when things went south, she was frequently called in by leaders to strategize a resolution. But today, she'd hit her limit. 

After we dug in and unpacked how she was feeling at a deeper level, I asked her who she could ask for support and what items she could delegate to reduce her load. I suggested that doing less could help relieve some of her anxiousness and help her refocus on leadership activities that felt more fulfilling. 

Doing less. This is always the number one place clients resist in coaching. The resistance to doing less is not surprising when much of our identity is wrapped up in our work. However, as we advance we are constantly presented with doing more and our ability to SAY NO as a leader becomes more important than saying yes.

Remember, your busy calendar is not a source of true confidence.

Many times, the number one reason why women hire me as their coach or join my group programs is because leaky boundaries have them exhausted, resentful and anxious. Their high-achieving tendencies helped them rise up the ladder, but now they are feeling overworked and overwhelmed, trying to keep up with requests for their time and talent. After all they don't want to let anyone down. So…

• They say yes when they really mean no.

• They jump in to fix and save because they've told themselves that no one else can do it.

• They don't allow white space on their calendar for flexibility, freedom or creativity.

• They are overfunctioning, all the while allowing everyone else around them to underfunction

With my client, we had to get back to basics and discern if she was: 

1) Truly working and leading in alignment with her values,  

2) Saying yes to tasks that were better suited for her team, and, 

3) Consciously working on projects that would move her closer to the leader she wanted to become.

Healthy boundaries are essential if you want to build a long career as leader.  Why? It's hard to be a strategic, confident leader if you are overworked and overwhelmed. This is the fifth core element of clear and confident leadership. Healthy boundaries means that you give your best yeses and noes. You say yes to things in alignment with your values and talents. You can say no to others, even if they get upset. You say no to projects/tasks that don't align with my energy or skillset. Scroll down for my tool for how to do this!)

🔥 You are always teaching people how to treat you.

PUT THIS TIP INTO ACTION

Want to know the quickest way to discern if a boundary needs to be set in your work or life? Notice where you are feeling resentment. Resentment is usually a clue that a boundary has been cross or that you are out of alignment with your values. Here's a plan that my client and I worked on: 

HOW TO SET BETTER BOUNDARIES AT WORK

1. Notice your feelings of anxiety or resentment. Instead of treating anxiety as something to hide or bulldoze through, the solution is to build a repeatable practice that helps you:

• Notice earlier when stress is rising, including the physical signals in your body (aches, breathing issues, sleep disturbance, etc)

• Name what is happening internally, and when appropriate, out loud, rather than defaulting to silence and self-management (I notice I'm feeling XYZ as ABC is happening

• Build the habit of checking in with what is real (emotion + body) before deciding how to respond.

• Identify what is “missing” or being violated in terms of your expectations or your values.

2. Set a boundary based on alignment, meaning that if a situation is pushing you out of your values, you adjust something now. 

• That adjustment could be a limit, a request, a conversation, or a change in expectations.

• It could be telling someone no or handing back a task.

• It could be resetting expectations with others as your leadership influence grows and people need to see you in new ways.

3. Communicate the boundary, your needs or expectations. Keeping these silent is breeding ground for more anxiety or resentment. Here's a boundary-setting framework:

• Thank them for the ask your happy to do

• Communicate your values/commitments

• Describe what you can’t accommodate

• Turn 1-3 into a question statement.

Here’s an example. “Kelli, can your team do a workshop for us on Tuesday?” (It’s Friday).

• Sample Answer: “Thanks for reaching out, I’d be happy to do a workshop (1)! I want to ensure it’s relevant and high energy (2), and that typically takes about one week to prepare. Since Tuesday won’t provide enough development time (3), how does XX date work for you and your team(4)?”

TRY THIS NEXT: What is a task or project that you said yes to (maybe even a year ago!) that is no longer aligned with the leader you want to become? What small step can you take to dump or delegate it this week?

Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping high achievers advance to influential leaders in their organizations. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

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