Maycember is here & so is your permission to say no

This morning I logged into my email and at the top of my inbox was an email from a colleague that was sent to me and our small entrepreneur-friend group with a subject line of “I said no!”

Welcome to what people on the internet are calling Maycember. Why does this time of year feel so busy? In addition to our daily work and expectations, here's a short list of everything else happening this month:

• Mother's Day (even though it's a day to celebrate moms, they still do the majority of the work planning the thing)

• Graduations

• End of school year activities / parties

• “Crap I forgot to schedule summer camp” panic

• Field trips

• Wedding season ramps up

• Memorial Day

• Vacation planning

• …and the sheer volume of events that seem to creep up with the nice temperatures (seemingly all the same day!)

Back to my colleague's email. We cheered her on as she demonstrated the courage to say no to a request from a friend of friend who was asking her to use her connections to get this person an “in” with a high-profile publication. 

We all celebrated her because over the course of the last month, we've been challenging the women in our small group to say no. Because when we say yes to too many events or requests outside of our values, it becomes a breeding ground for resentment. Resentment is a soul-sucking energy that makes it difficult to lead with confidence.

As the great philosopher, Taylor Swift, reminds us, “Your energy is expensive. Not everyone can afford it.”

Saying no seems easy on the surface, but in my experience and what I wrote about at length in Closing The Confidence Gap, is that saying no comes with a heavy mental burden. We keep saying yes when we should say no because we worry that:

• If I say no, people will question my capability.

• If I say no, people will be mad or disappointed with me.

• If I say no, people will think I'm not supportive.

• If I say no, I will ruin my pursuit of “looking perfect.”

However, I consistently challenge my clients to consider that the opposite could be true. What if all your yeses are keeping you overburdened and overwhelmed, and thus, people question your capability, become disappointed in you, think you are not supportive and muddy your image of perfection? 

The issue is that women have been taught that their value comes from being available, accommodating, and selfless. Maycember turns the volume up on a pattern that has been present for generations. 

🔥 Maycember is here to remind us that there will be many demands on your time, your energy and your peace. As you consider your best yeses and noes, who peace are you keeping? What is truly yours to own? (Keep reading more strategies to navigate this crazy time!)

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PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION

This Maycember (and beyond) is a perfect time to be more intentional about where you spend your time and energy. Here are four questions you can ask yourself to help you commit to the right things to help you manage your energy this month and kick off summer with joy, not resentment.

1. Does saying yes to this ask/event move me closer to the leader (person) I want to become? 

Before you RSVP, volunteer, or say "sure, I can do that," run it through your values filter. Does this align with what matters most to me right now? Or am I saying yes because it looks good, feels expected, or keeps someone else comfortable? 

Knowing what you value in any given situation gives you greater discernment, not between right and wrong, but between what looks right and what is right for you. If you haven't gotten clear on your top 3-5 values yet, this is your moment! Because without that filter, every request feels equally urgent. And when everything is urgent, it's hard to tell what decisions will truly move you forward in a direction that feels aligned to you.

2. What happens to my energy when I imagine saying yes to this? Can I complete this without feeling resentful?

Before you respond, close your eyes and imagine saying yes. What happens in your body? Do you feel dread? Heaviness? That slow burn of "I really don't want to do this but I should"? That's data. Your body is one of the fastest decision-making tools you have, and most of us have been trained to override it. 

The real test: Can I complete this without resentment? If you can already feel the resentment building before you've even said yes, that "yes" is not a yes (it's a “should"). Resentment is the clearest signal that you are operating outside your values. Remember, you are always teaching people how to treat you in regards to your time, energy and boundaries.  

3. What will I have to decline to accommodate this? Am I okay with this tradeoff?

Every yes is also a no to something else but we rarely stop long enough to name the thing that we're giving up. Usually, the first things to go are the things we actually want like our workout, the evening with our family, the white space to think, or the afternoon off we had planned for ourselves just to wander around Target alone. 

So before you say yes, name the tradeoff out loud.“I am okay giving up my family movie night to attend an event with a speaker whose topic I don't even find interesting.”  (This was a real life example for me!) How does that actually feel? If the tradeoff doesn't feel worth it, you have your answer. 

4. At the end of the day, will a “yes” still give me the white space I need for rest, flexibility and some spontaneity?  

A packed calendar is not a true source of confidence. It could actually be a signal that you are over-functioning while allowing everyone around you to under-function. In fact, as you advance as a leader, white space is essential  to your creativity and strategic acumen! White space is the breathing and thinking room the strategic side of your brain needs to get your best ideas, your presence, and your real leadership show up. 

TRY THIS NEXT: Before you fill every block on your calendar, ask yourself, If something unexpected and wonderful came up this week, would I have room for it? If the answer is no, you've already said yes to too much.

Bonus points: Find a support group, like I've cultivated, of people who will help you set and honor your boundaries.

Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping high achievers advance to influential leaders in their organizations. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

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