"You're a human being, not human doing"

"You got a whole bunch of to do! What are you doing? You just spent a whole day doing nothing."

That was my client's inner critic talking while she binged watch Bridgerton one Sunday. Even though she deserved some down time on the couch, she lamented to me about how badly she felt about it at the end of the day. 

She told herself that because she was staring down the barrel of two of the busiest weeks at work with very minimal time to get things done, a packed home schedule and kids to shuttle around, she felt terrible that she was couch surfing. 

She's not alone. So many of my high achieving clients beat themselves up when they take a moment to themselves to just relax and indulge in a book or TV show. When I ask them, "Why is it so bad that you just chill out?" the answer almost always comes back to this: 

"If I'm not accomplishing something, then people will question my worth."

I coach a lot of high-achieving women who toggle between wanting to be the most driven version of themselves and also wondering, can I just... not? Can I just be?

It shows up everywhere. At work. At home. In our relationships. We want to be picked first. We want to be Mom of the Year. We want to show up proving value so nobody questions our accomplishments or our worth. While it seems like productivity is the way to climb the ladder, over-rotating on productivity is also the fastest track to burnout.

However, this client realized that her need to always achieve something was actually making her unreliable in the areas that mattered most. She had forgotten an important activity for her kids' school. She had a friend she was supposed to meet with four weeks ago. She had a recurring feeling of guilt about never finding time for the people she cared about.

Her accomplishments were actually getting in the way of her living a meaningful life. 

So we explored something interesting to challenge her thinking. We live in this world with all different kinds of people who feel worthy that have nothing to do with accomplishment. 

Some people feel worthy just by being honest and doing the right thing. 

Others by being loving. 

Others by being present. 

Others by being fun. 

In fact, she admitted that she appreciated her best friend because of her ability to be present and patient with her, not because of any productive action she'd taken for her. 

The biggest thing I work on with women who carry this pattern is this - you are a human being, not a human doing. 

🔥 Where did you learn that you have to be productive to be or feel worthy? Where did you learn that you have to be accomplishing to be worthy? Who told you that? Who taught you about rest? And is that productivity message still working for you?

---

PUT THIS IDEA INTO ACTION

The tricky thing about overrotating on accomplishments as a way to feel worthy is that the bar continues to move. We feel the joy of hitting a goal, only for it to wear off and the goalposts move back again. 

Want to start to challenge this story that accomplishment makes you worthy? Here are some things to try:

1. Make a list of 25 things that you are that have nothing to do with doing. This is harder than it sounds. Start with one: I am loved. Then keep going. List 25 things that have nothing to do with accomplishment and everything to do with who you are created to be.

2. Ask yourself self-coaching questions to interrupt your story. 

When you catch yourself in that striving energy, pause and ask: 

• Where did I learn that I have to be productive to earn love? 

• Who told me that? 

• Is this message still working for me?

3. Find evidence for the opposite. 

How is it just as true that idleness makes you worthy? Think of someone in your life who can be idle and do nothing and not achieve a thing, and you still love them. Why are they so worthy to you? I bet it's not because of everything they do for you. It's who they are for you.

4. Reframe rest as accomplishment. 

When your brain starts to say, "I'm not accomplishing anything," remind yourself: you are accomplishing something. You're accomplishing the rest you need to maintain your endurance and well-being for the long term. 

TRY THIS NEXT: The next time you feel that inner critic fire up because you're not doing enough, just notice it and ask yourself, what is my need to always have a goal or be working towards something keeping me from doing for myself? How is it keeping me from my own hobbies, my own rest, my own desires? 

Kelli Thompson is an award-winning author, keynote speaker, and executive coach who specializes in helping high achievers advance to influential leaders in their organizations. She is the author of the critically acclaimed book, Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

Learn more about: Executive Coaching | Speaking & Training | Group Programs